the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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