My sheets look like a crime scene.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
