Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
