I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
