I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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