Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
