I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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