Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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