2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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