We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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