got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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