ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Pooping to opera.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
