Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Randomize
