I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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