watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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