I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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