Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
