I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
