booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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