So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
