We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They have beer where we have blood.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
