You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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