Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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