I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
