Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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