did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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