He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
