the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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