I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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