when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
