Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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