we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
