I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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