I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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