I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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