the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
