omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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