i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
