i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
