when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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