I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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