She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
