I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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