Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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