I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
