You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
