The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
