Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
