Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
