and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
